Not What You Think, Well, It Kinda Is

You already know the kind of guys that seem to be attracted to me. Old, white collar, White men, and fucking felons. You already know what this story is about. I'm kinda telling the story backwards, but I just don't have the strength or energy to write about the love of my life, J.R. I'll probably write about that madness later tonight. Sigh. Okay, so here's the damn story.

Remember I said I made the decision to to not sleep with my love--er--J.R. anymore? What I should have said was, I will not sleep with him on a regular basis, or sleep with him when he wants to. It will be on my terms. And thus far, it has been. I promise you I keep thinking about Valentine's night. That was awesome. Absolutely beautiful. Sigh.

Okay, so I finally got fed up with the idiot. So I decided(tentatively anyway) that I would not sleep with him EVER again. And what's the best way to get over a man?

Sleep with another one of course!*

That's how I got over Kijoma(Don't ask. Well actually, you don't need to, he'll probably be a post at some point.)! I gave J.R. some!

*Since I lost my virginity at 20 years old, I'm technically not a whore.

So there's this guy named Corey. First of damn all, Corey's real name ain't Corey. He told me that was his damn name, and when we was supposed to hang out one night, I called his ass, and his damn mama answered, tambout some" Ain't no Corey, here, baby, I thanks you gots the wrong number, chile". Then this nigga calls me again, and I ask about his name, he gone sit up and say, "Nah, my name is Carl, some folks call me Cory, doe." Nigga, please give me yo real damn name. DAMN! I mean, J.R.'s real name ain't really J.R., but folks at least call his ass Jr. What's up with niggas not givin they "gummint" name? What type of foolishness is that? My head hurts. I should have known at that point that having sex with him was a bad idea. But I need to get over J.R., and the easiest way (look, I ain't ask fo yo damn advice), is to get some new dick.

So Carl appears to be nice(and we all know what a great character of judgement Negra is, right? I mean, I thought J.R. was a cute little college/church/quiet boy. My first thought when meetin him was "Why does this lil' boy have his nose pierced? Where is his mama?). I mean, he is. I can't say he isn't. Plus he likes me. It is what it is.

So the night before last, I decide to give him some. I go over his house, and he's tellin me how much he likes me. He's being all sweet, but as i said before, Negra's tryin to get down to business. So we begin.

First of all, dude is MANAREXIC. He weighs what I weigh. But whatever. Negra needs to get down to business. But here's the most disappointing part of this story.

His penis.

DAYUM.

I've seen Blunts thicker than that. I'm lookin, like "Bruh, who circumcised you?! You need to go get the rest of that shit back, son!" Oh wait! You're NOT circumcised? You mean you got EXTRA, and STILL you commin' up short?! As a Black woman, I must confess, I was almost OFFENDED that he came at me with such inferior phallus. I wanted some damn Vienna sausages so bad after that shit.

Anywho, Negra needed to get down to business. This had nothing to do with his love stick looking like Pixie Stix.

And whoever said "It ain't the size of your pencil, it's the way you write you name",was,

A MUTHAFUCKIN' LIAR.

That was the worst sex of my life. And I believe it had to do a lot with his ding-a-ling, being of yawn worthy proportions.

But, I wouldn't be Negra if I didn't go back.

That's right bitches. I went and got me some more wack cock.

Remember, this is strictly business. I'm trying to get rid of J.R.( how funny is it that I kept looking at my phone last night to see whether or not he called, in between breaks of getting some. Sigh).

So after we're done, he's holding me. Wow! This is really nice, J.R. never exactly kicked me after sex, but we certainly don't cuddle. I think I could get used to this. I mean I can get on top, and work it, if need be. I can get used to small fry.

I swear, y'all, I held his face in my hand, and thought, this man is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. I mean, although the sex was terrible, I kept looking at how gorgeous and flawless, our perfectly bronzed bodies looked in the moonlight. We looked like one of those "Black Love" paintings you see at soul food restaurants. You know the one where the man with dreads is holding the woman with the Afro puff, and they're sitting in a lily with incense smoke in the background? Yeah. Just like that. It was lovely. Truly.

And I kid you not at the moment that I thought that he says this shit:

"Ay, ma, I was gone ask you somethin'."

Me thinking, aww shit. I done fucked up now: "Yes baby.What you need daddy?"

I was wonderin' if you could let me hold a lil' somethin' so I can pay off this lil' restoration( or whatever the hell that shit is called, I don't know, Negra) I mean, I ain't tryin' to go back to jail, knaemean?"

Me, glad the lights are off to hide the look of horror and amazement on my face, "Uh, how much you need, sweetness?"

Him: "I mean, what can you let me hold?"

Is this nigga SERIOUS?!

Me: "All I got is 50 (don't have a stroke I ain't give him shit, this is just lip service) baby, and I don't get paid until tomorrow."

Him: Wow, That ain't shit. I mean, that a get me my lil' sim card for my phone or whatever. That's cool I guess."

Yes, yes he was serious. Hot damn.

Yeah, Negra packed it up, and called it a damn night.


GAHDAMN.


What else can be said? Gahdamn. I know I buy J.R. stuff, but not only was he my boyfriend at one time, HE GOT A BIG ONE!

With his disappointment--er-- dick, he need be giving ME money!



UUUGGHHHH!!