La Negra Linda's "Men"

This post was inspired by Julia. She said in the comments section of the last post, that she thought she had some some stories regarding men. Uh, baby, homeboy with no foot, that outdoes me--oh wait, ole boy Marcus aint have but one hand. Okay yeah, scratch that.

Anyway, I've had some doozies in my day. I don't know why I'm even shocked at the shit these niggas say to me any damn more.

Yesterday, I met a guy. Fine? My sweet Jesus, YES!

He said; "Eh, ma, you drive right? (Why do niggas ask this shit? I'm 22 years old. Of course I drive. I live in L.A., of COUSRE I have a car!)

Me: Yeah, I drive, my car's over there.

Him: Oh, okay mami, I see you, doin' real big withcho car and what not. That's right. Go to school, with a job, and a car, aaiight!

Me: Looking puzzled, "Uh, yeah, okay, so you drive, I mean I don't live out here, and I don't come out here real often, so..."

Him: Yeah, mami, I drive. You fine den a muhfukka too, I mos def gotta come out here an' see you lil' lady. I mean I got a suspended licence, and a warrant, but you worf it, knaemean?

Me Laughing, "Are you serious!" I Should have known he wasn't joking. That truly was my damn bad
.
Him: Yeah, but if I'm in jail, I can't make no money, knaemean, and I'm out here on my grind, you feel me? Once I get my lil' change together or whatever, I'll go and turn myself in and do this lil' bullshit as week or whatever, then it's all good, knaemean?

Me, trying to redeem myself, not knowing what the hell to say, so I do my normal response to Black men when I don't know what the hell they're talking about: "Oh, okay then ,that's what's up!
"
Him: Well I ain't tryin' to take up yo time, I see you in a lil' rush or whateva, so just hit me up when you get a chance, ma."

Me, puzzled again, with another generic response to the tomfoolery that is this "uneducated, urban Black male": " Fa sho".

Here goes a list of the "boyfriends" I 've had in my day. They all had something wrong with they ass. Satrting with:

Ray. This mofo, was crazy. I was 17, in my first year of college and was a virgin. I then, like now, had NO idea just how weird, and crazy old dudes ( and hell young ones too) were. So yeah, Ray. He wanted to be an astronout, bit got testucular cancer ( I used to date men who were waaay too damn old for me), so he couldn't pass the physical exam, and had to settle to be this.

Yeah. A rocket scientist. Boo fuckin' hoo dude. You work at JPL, and make 350,000 a year.

Yeah, homie. Get over it.

So ole boy wanted me to be his girlfriend, but said no. I was 17, and he was like 44! He was soo possive! He was building this plane at an airport out in Pasadena and wanted me to go with him one day. I was scared of him, so I went. There's 17 year old girl logic for you. Your'e scared of a dude who doesn't know where you live, over the phone, so you GO with him, so he doesn't get mad. Nice. Anyway, I went with him, and my mom called me on my cell phone, and said she wanted me to come home, and he got MAD! I mean he started throwin' shit talkin bout, "Your'e damned near grown, you can't stay out?!" Yeah, he took me home and apologized, but damn. Needless to sy, we stopped fuckin' with Ray. Only to get another "winner" though.

Michael. I met this dude when I was 19, and he was very charming ( to a 19 year old vigin. If I met this muhfukka now, I'd slap his bitch ass into the apocolopse). He always talked bad about his ex-wife (again another red flag that the 19 year old Negra didn't know about), and was an alcholic. I didn't know it. I had NEVER in my life been around alchol(my parents don't drink), so I didn't know the smell. This is a true story. I kid you not, I wondered why his "red punch" smelled "funny".

Anyway, he drank so much, that he ended up loosing his job, and had to move in with his mama.

Yeah. That shit deserved it's on paragraph. Homeboy was 38. Oh, and did I mention he was white? Yeah, and he's from Paris, Tennesee. Tell me this story don't get better and better by the damn second.

So he moves in with his mama ( who I didn't know at the time was a FUCKING RACIST), and hasn't told her that I'm black. Wait, what? Uh, okay. So I telll him, he can't have my virginity untill he let's his old scallywag mammy, that I'se NEGRA!

So you know what he did?

Yep, you guessed it! He cheated on me! Yay!

Anyway, in a druken stuper, he confessed his love to 19 year old Negra, and says he will tel his mama. And he did. She called me a nigger (never to my face, but I would hear her in the background while we were on the phone. Oh as A tasty tid bit, her live in boyfriend is a Mexican dude named Charles). Bitch shoulda been callin her damn son a lush and pedafile but whatever.

So she decides she wanted a Bed and Breakfast out in Mississippi, and sells her house, and moves out there, and gives Michael's broke and unemployed ass ( I was in my 3rd year of college, and had a full time job, plus volunteered at a home for persons with cerebal palsy. Yes, I AM indeed that bitch), the first and last, on his old apartment and he moves in. So we go on about our business, and I spend the night frequently ( when I think of the agony I must have inflicted upon my poor father, I cringe. I'm sooo sorry, daddy), and everything is honkey dory (pun fully inteded).

One day, after work, I see that he' s called me 9 times in a row. He was sick. I took him to a freee clinic, since he didn't have insurance ( yeah, but my nigger ass did, ha!), and we find out he has pancrantitis. Anyway, I called his mother and told her that he wasn't doing good.

To make a long story even longer, dude was in a coma for a month. His mama cussed me out in the hospital ( the staff called the police on her several times, without me even having to request them to do so), and I must say, the 19 year old Negra handled herself, quite well. I'm not even sure the 22 year old Negra could handle that well.

Michael fully recovered, and while he was recooperating, I literally wshed his ass and spoon fed him.

It was the day before Christmas Eve, and while I was feeding his invillant ass, I said " I want to go to Christmas Eve dinner (mind you at this point he and I had been dating for a year)". He looked at me puzzled, adn replyed, " No. " I asked why not, and he replied, " I'm not going to make my family feel uncomfortable for you."

I took my clothes out his house without further word spoken and left. I told him I needed the money that was owed me, and he wrote me a check9 That's one thing crackas is good for. It didn't bounce). I was heartbroken. So much so, that I left the state. I went to U Maryland, and haven't spoken to him since. I' glad I didn't give him my virginity. I'm glad I gave it to a man far more deserving. Ha! The sarcasam in that statement makes me cream my panties. Here's the guy I gave my virginity to. Paul.

Yep. A muthafuckin basehead. But I didn't know dude was a basehead! True story y'all! He ain't look like one!

I met him at the bus station in Washington D.C. I got on one of those damn F busses (never again, never the fuck again). So he's the most georgous, white man you've ever seen in your life. Plus I seem to have a lil' fetish with men who aon't Black, but think they are (see J.R.).

I'll spare you the details on how I lost my virginity, just know he got it, because dude was sweeter than pet milk when I met him, and I though he was a genuienly nice guy.

So one day we're hangin' out at his house and he's acting really strangely. I was at his house for nearly 3 hours, and he ignored me the entire time. I mean, literally ignored me.

I go to ask him what's goin' on, and I see this chick in the other room with the "old Eve" hairstyle, and I deciede it's time to go. I'm on the phone with my sister while all of this is going on, because I needed something to do, considering, he wasn't talking to me, so we're laughing at the whole situation. I go back in the room to get my purse, and Guess. The. Fuck.What.

Paul comes into the room smoking rocks on a Sierra Mist can.

Sigh, unfortunaltey, that was not my last encouner with Paul. The last encounter with Paul came when he stole my necklace. That's a whole 'nother story that I won't even get into right now.

So, after, my HORRIBLE expierence on the East Coast( screw you east coasters, D.C. is East Coast to my Cali behind), and believe me, it wasn't jus the crackhead expierence that made the expierence ( how mant times can I say that damn word? Can you say THESAURAUS?!) an awful one, I went back home. Smog never smelled to damned good. Next dude, was named Aaron.

Ah, Arron. I won't make fun of him too bad, in fact, I won't make fun of him at all, beacause as I've said on numerous occasions, I ain't goin to hell behind makin fun of handicapped folks. Aaron is schizophrenic. He streesed me the hell out. As I was dating him, my schzropherenic grandmother was living with me (she moved out here after the hurricane in New Orleans, and was staying with me. I didn't know she ws schizophrenic. My father didn't give me any kind of "Hey, my mama is crazy as a June bed bug" disclaimer either.), and I got PREGNANT by this nigga. Bad time in my life. I thought MY ass was crazy. I was so glad to get rid of his ass, and when my granmama( I love the hell outta her crazy ass too, don't get me wrong), you have no idea.

And then there's the love of my life. J. Muthafuckin'R. Oh how I love that man.

That former pimp, gang bangin' ass, man. I'm not fuckin' with him anymore, but gahdamnit is it hard. It's never been so hard to shake a man! I don't need to tell any stories about him, cause he's the current looser I'm "invoved" with. He just chirped me now ( I have Nextel, not Boost, bitches), and called me baby, and I damned near orgasamed. Sigh. I hate havin' to act like i don't want nothin' to do with his low life ass. He knows I'm frontin.

This was a half assed post. I didn't even do a spell check on it. I got drained after talking about Michael. Sue me.

But now that you've been introduced to them, expect many more stories about them. I have PLENTY. Except about Michael. I proabably will never post about him again. But the crackhead? Wait till I tell y'all bout how he stole my necklace!