About Me

Since I don't have any friends in Cyberspace(or in real life, let's just go on and be real here), I haven't been "tagged" to give 4 or 5 random, unusual, quirky, or just flat out weird things about me. So, since I have the best job in the world, and have the pleasure to be working on a Saturday in beautiful Los Angles, when it's 71 degrees outside, I'll go ahead and post this to occupy my mind, and forget about what I could be doing, if I weren't here. Plus, Jess is calling me manes, and I don't want to have to kick her ass. So now I present:



Four Things You Never Wanted to Know About Me:




1) I am deathly afraid of flags.

When I was in third grade, the coolest thing in the world was to be "Flag Monitor". The flag monitor was the person who held the flag during the pledge of allegiance. For MONTHS, I wanted this job. I never got it.But, after weeks, and weeks of daily disappointments, frustrations, and let downs, I got the opportunity to hold the flag. As I walked up to the front of the class, and my heart raced with a trmrndous grin on my face, and sheer frolic in my eyes. I held the flag, and guess what? My ass was petrified. Something about the deep, rich, colors of that sumabitch had my little 8 year old behind terror-stricken. And to this very day, I literally shudder when I see flags. No joke. It actually took a lot of courage to write about this, not because I'm ashamed or think it's silly or anything, but because I had to Google this damn picture. Yes, I did shudder.

2) My dream is to be a housewife.

People are always giving me the side eye when I say this. They always ask "Why are you going to law school, and spending ridiculous amounts of money to be somebody's woman servant?" These people are obviously densely ignorant about Negra. First of damn all, there is nothing I'd enjoy more than to be some beautiful Black man's servant. Are you kidding me? Pull my hair, throw me up against a wall, and boss my ass around, daddy. Please. And do it again whileyou're at it. Secondly, uh, y'all know the kind of men I like? Do you really think I can sit around and wait on one of them niggas to take care of me financially? Come the hell on. I got to go to school to be able to take care of my damn self, because I doubt I'll be able to find a man like that. I mean really. What's the likely hood of me finding some guy named Demontray whose got long corn rows, wears corduroy house shoes, has 20+ tattoos, drives a Impala, smokes Black n' Milds, drinks Colt 45, listen to rap music, and has a damn job?! With BENEFITS? Come the hell on folks. I'm having a hard enough time tryin' to find men who look like me, that want to date women that look like me. Bottom line, I need to go to school, so that I can take care of myself. I can't sit around and wait on somebody to do something for me that I can do for myself. And I will finish law school, become a lawyer, do that for about 5-6 years get married (if not to Tru Life, then to a nigga who looks like his fine ass) and continue to practice law during my marriage. Until, of course, I get pregnant, then I'll become a housewife, and take care of my children. And because life always goes according to the way you planned it, this most certainly happen. And I'll stay married and die at age 162 in my sleep with my husband by my side. And I'll go to Heaven. Shut up. I'm still young enough to be delusional.

3) I don't eat seafood.

I'm quite possibly the only person born In New Orleans that doesn't eat seafood. That shit is just plain nasty. Fish? Gross. Shrimp? Yuck. Lobster? Hell naw. They look like big ass roaches! I don't know about y'all, but I've done had roaches in my house before, and them mofos don't look appetizing in the least bit. Seafood in general just smells bad. It smells like the ocean's upchuck, or poorly maintained female parts. Just ain't right. Just ain't.

4) I don't own a pair of tennis shoes.

I have over 300 pairs of shoes, and of that 300 about 250 of them are stilettos, and pumps. 45 are flip flops (I live in L.A. and we rock them bitches year round, son), and the other 5 are flats, or ballet shoes. I shop at all the hooker/stripper boutiques in Hollywood. The shoes are so hot and surprisingly comfortable. Well, maybe not so surprising, I mean, them hoes do be on they feet all night. Eh. Anyway, fukka gym shoe.

So there you have it. Random stuff about a stranger you don't care about! I mean I could have put in there that I curse too much (I'm sure y'all muhfuckas ain't know that shit), that I was molested from ages 2 or 3 to 10 years old, by a female member of my family, had an abortion in the last 12 months, or that I have a Schizophrenic grandmother, but it's my blog, I write what I wanna. Plus, none of that stuff is funny. I like to be funny. True, everything I just wrote about wasn't nearly as funny as it was ignorant, but eh. Screw it. Tell ya what. Go have yourself a blunt and read it again. Then, that shit will be mad funny, son.