Smile, No Matter What

"He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has." ~ Epictetus ~

My self esteem is low.I'm not ugly, I know I'm not. I've been told by many, that I'm beautiful, and really could have a date every night of the week should I choose to. In fact, I've been guilty on many occasions of having so many dates in one night/week, that I won't go anywhere with any of them, because I'm so overwhelmed. And after all that, you know what happens? They still call my ass after they've been stood up, because I'm that chick lol.

But, my self esteem is mad low, son. That's the main reason I don't go on dates. It's not that I'm ugly, I'm not. I've got an incredible body. Small waist, no hips, bubble butt, I'm a 34D; for lack of a better term La Negra Linda is a Brick House. I'm mighty mighty. lol

I was called ugly throughout school. From Elementary to High. I hated school. In fact, they are the reason I kept my grades up, because I was going to be better than all of them. And if success is measured by additional schooling, not having children, and having a decent job (it's not, so don't get all uppity), then I've surpassed all those malicious children. It's so funny too, because all those guys who dissed me back in the day, are steady tryin' to holla now! HA! I see you son! And I hear you hummin, but I ain't comin'! Not literately or figuratively speaking!

Again, my self esteem is low. My biggest (and probably only) insecurity? My teeth. I think they are HORRIBLE. In my opinion, my parents failed me miserably when they did not get me braces. I am sooo insecure about these bad boys, it's ridiculous. I know I'm a pretty girl, but still, I've never been able to understand just why any man would wanna talk to a girl with a pulchritudinous (for all y'all that was too lazy to look it up, it means attractive) face, and the mouth of a wilder beast (all y'all that laughed, just know you're going to hell on full scholarship).

I went on a date last night! Are y'all proud of me? I went on a date, and it wasn't with Thugie-Poo, the guy I talked about in my last post! I went on a date with a sweet, sweet guy. Very nice. I don't even know what else to say about him. Just a tremendous, wonderful sweet guy. Oh, and did I mention, he's HOT?! Yes, yes, he is. I mean how the hell can you go wrong with that combination, shiitttit!

Negra, that's great! That's tremendous! We're all so happy for you! Where did you meet this guy? Huh? uh ruh... Negra...? I uh, okay I met him on Myspace. D'oh! I know, I know. I didn't anticipate meeting him on MySpace! Hell, I never anticipated meeting any damn body ( and trust me I ain't) on that thing. It just kinda happened. We talked and joked around, and we exchanged numbers and decided to meet up. But Negra, you can't just be meeting folks on My Damn Space! I mean-- Okay, whose damn blog is this? Y'all can talk y'alls shit on someone else's shit. I'm tryin' to tell a damn story!

Now. He was coming from the city (Los Angeles) to get me from where I live (the Valley), and that takes roughly 30 minutes. I swear the chile musta been drivin' 110 mph to get to me (told y'all I was fly), because he was there in 15!I wasn't ready when he got there! I didn't think he would get there so damn fast! So while he was outside, he had to wait for me to get ready! And it rained earlier that day, so a sista hair was FLUCKED up! I had to curl it! And you know what?! He waited for me( told y'all I was fly =)!

So 20 minutes later ( My curls later came out, because I did a crappy job of curling me hair, I did it in 15 minutes y'all), I'm walking to his car, and I'm nervous as shit, because all those pictures he saw of me, on MySpace, were damn near Glamour Shots, minimising the appearance of the wretched teeth, and I smile. He smiles back. Wait, what? Did this nigga not just see my grill? Why he smilin"? Is he laughin at me or somethin'? He asked me where I wanted to go, and I responded that we could go to Starbucks and figure it out from there. He agreed.Now, I'm sweatin like a pimp with one hoe, because of my insecurity. And to top things off, this nigga keeps lookin' at me and smilin'! I feel like ole' boy in my last post and am ready to start wildin' 'cause I wanna know what in the fuck he's smilin' at!

When we get to Starbucks, he's as confused as a baby in a topless bar because: a) He's a man. The hell does he know about a latte'? and b) He's Black. The hell does he know about a latte'? So I order a White Chocolate latte' for him because say it with me y'all, What the hell does he know about a latte'? Tee hee, Sometimes I'm too funny for my damn self. Anyway, I ordered it for him, and I said something to the effect of " You don't know shit 'bout ordering a latte' because you're Black (yes, I realize there's irony there. That's what made the joke semi funny), and I put my hand on his hand as I said the word "black" to indicate the color. And. Guess. The. Fuck. What.

Dude. Had. A. Fake. Hand.

I was just about ready to draw a chalk outline around my newly deceased body, when I regrouped myself, as not to alarm him. Oh my dear LORD. I was so embarrassed. For HIM, not for ME! I didn't want him to think that that kind of thing matters to me. I mean, I told you guys, he's a sweetheart. I mean, the boy can give you a toothache with all that damn sugar! And again, I told y'all I have my insecurities too! I just wanted him to know that it was all good! I ain't trippin'!

The night went on, and we were jokin' and hugged up on one another, like nothing ever happened. I mean at least I did. We ended the nigh t with a few kisses ( no tongue, but that's a different post) and planned to go to the movies this coming Tuesday.I called him to make sure he got home safe but didn't answer my call! D'oh! I text him earlier today, and he said he went to sleep as soon as he got home, but when I called again, he didn't answer. I'm going to attempt one last time to call him in a few minutes, and if he doesn't answer, then it'll be up to him to make the next move.

I learned two things last night: Be thankful for what you have, as life could always be a lot worse, and NEVER, NEVER, let an insecurity stop you from doing something. If anyone is focused on that insecurity, they're not worth the time spent in your head thinking about them. Sometimes your insecurity can weed out all the fake, superficial people in your life, and that's great.

I just hope Marcus knows I'm a genuine, and sincere person.